The Battle of My BULGE

As far back as I can remember I’d always felt bigger than everyone else.  When I saw pictures of myself standing next to other people I thought I looked enormous.  I would tell people that I had a “big frame” (or people would tell ME that) and I hoped that was really the case.  People would say “you have such a pretty face” or “you’re in proportion”.  Okay, what does that really mean?  You’re fat but there’s a part of you that still looks good? …or …Your fat is evenly distributed over your body?  I didn’t feel small enough and because of that, I didn’t feel good enough.  I tried every diet in the book but I always made it back to my original high weight.   There were many times I told myself it must be the RIGHT weight because no matter what I did I always came back to the same number.  During the times that my weight was healthy I still saw a fat person in the mirror.  Let’s just face it; I had a negative self image and I didn’t believe I could ever look like a normal-sized person, whatever that looked like.  The things that I said to myself were horrible and mean; things I would NEVER say to anyone else.  Why did I think it was okay to say them to myself?

Several years ago I lost about 20 pounds from illness and decided that it was the right time to capitalize on my weight loss.  For some odd reason this time I was able to not only maintain the loss but add another 10 pounds to it – a total loss of 30 pounds which I have kept off for five years.  I have learned that the key to my own weight loss has been about the change in the things that I say to myself.  Now I treat myself like a good friend; someone I value.  Instead of hearing my inner voice say ” I’ll NEVER be thin; I look huge and disgusting!”, I tell myself that I AM a thin person with the habits and attitude of a thin and healthy person.  The word “diet” doesn’t exist in my vocabulary because I don’t deny myself any foods that I really want.  This change in attitude takes the power away from the food and gives it back to me!  I rule the food!  While I still really enjoy eating, it is not the love of my life. And when I over-indulge I don’t berate myself. I’m normal and everyone has cravings.

I recently had lunch with an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years.  She told me that I looked half the size of my former self.  A few days later I was trying on a dress at a local store  and the owner said “you’re thin; you can wear that.”  It was shocking to hear both of those comments after a lifetime of feeling too big.

I have so many things to work on to make a better, happier, healthier me but I am happy to be on my way.

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