The Battle of My BULGE

As far back as I can remember I’d always felt bigger than everyone else.  When I saw pictures of myself standing next to other people I thought I looked enormous.  I would tell people that I had a “big frame” (or people would tell ME that) and I hoped that was really the case.  People would say “you have such a pretty face” or “you’re in proportion”.  Okay, what does that really mean?  You’re fat but there’s a part of you that still looks good? …or …Your fat is evenly distributed over your body?  I didn’t feel small enough and because of that, I didn’t feel good enough.  I tried every diet in the book but I always made it back to my original high weight.   There were many times I told myself it must be the RIGHT weight because no matter what I did I always came back to the same number.  During the times that my weight was healthy I still saw a fat person in the mirror.  Let’s just face it; I had a negative self image and I didn’t believe I could ever look like a normal-sized person, whatever that looked like.  The things that I said to myself were horrible and mean; things I would NEVER say to anyone else.  Why did I think it was okay to say them to myself?

Several years ago I lost about 20 pounds from illness and decided that it was the right time to capitalize on my weight loss.  For some odd reason this time I was able to not only maintain the loss but add another 10 pounds to it – a total loss of 30 pounds which I have kept off for five years.  I have learned that the key to my own weight loss has been about the change in the things that I say to myself.  Now I treat myself like a good friend; someone I value.  Instead of hearing my inner voice say ” I’ll NEVER be thin; I look huge and disgusting!”, I tell myself that I AM a thin person with the habits and attitude of a thin and healthy person.  The word “diet” doesn’t exist in my vocabulary because I don’t deny myself any foods that I really want.  This change in attitude takes the power away from the food and gives it back to me!  I rule the food!  While I still really enjoy eating, it is not the love of my life. And when I over-indulge I don’t berate myself. I’m normal and everyone has cravings.

I recently had lunch with an old friend I hadn’t seen in several years.  She told me that I looked half the size of my former self.  A few days later I was trying on a dress at a local store  and the owner said “you’re thin; you can wear that.”  It was shocking to hear both of those comments after a lifetime of feeling too big.

I have so many things to work on to make a better, happier, healthier me but I am happy to be on my way.

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7 Comments

  1. jcwhudson said,

    November 1, 2012 at 12:07 am

    So glad you have learned how to manage weight control. I have been doing all your ideas about food most of my life. We never had a scale because I do not need to read a number letting me know I went overboard the previous day. A piece of cake occasionally will not make anyone gain weight. When combined with lots of other high calorie food splurges then it adds pounds. It is one of life’s LITTLE pleasures to indulge in a treat once in awhile. So enjoy! MmmmmmmmmmCake…… XXOO

    • lapetinaa said,

      November 1, 2012 at 1:01 am

      I wholeheartedly agree with you. Enjoy all food; everything in moderation.

  2. Sue said,

    November 1, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Hi! My name is Sue, and I’m from SlimKicker, a diet/fitness app and website. I found your blog today and it captured my interest!

    I’m contacting you b/c we’re about to release a fitness tracker (similar to FitBit) early next year, and are looking for bloggers who would be interested in receiving 1 for free to review when it is out (negative or positive).

    Would you be interested in doing this? You can email me at: sue (at) slimkicker (com) with ‘Review’ in the email heading if you are.

    A brief explanation of who we are, our website SlimKicker basically turns your diet/fitness goals into a level-up RPG game. The tracker will work with the website, and allow people to track calories burned and number of steps they walk automatically. The more they exercise, the more points they rack up! That’s basically how it will work.

    Anyway, hope to hear back either way…

    – Sue
    P.S. You can choose not to display this comment as this is more of a private comment 🙂

    • lapetinaa said,

      November 1, 2012 at 11:05 am

      Hi Sue,
      Thank you for reading my blog. Can you give me more information about the SlimKicker so I can make an informed decision? You can email me at amy@lapetina.net.

  3. Pat Bailey said,

    November 5, 2012 at 12:52 am

    This is a great post – I can so relate. Especially to the “big frame” bit. When I look at pictures of myself when I was in my late teens I was very thin – so much so people now would think I had an eating disorder. A guy I went to school with made a comment within earshot that I looked like I could play football. I was 5’8″ and weight 125 lbs. but I felt humiliated. It reinforced my feelings of always being too big. I struggle with weight now and am trying to increase exercise as a way of loosing weight. I’m interested in knowing how you think a thin person thinks. It would make a good post. 🙂

    • lapetinaa said,

      November 5, 2012 at 1:16 am

      Thank you, Pat! I think that women in general never feel like they are good enough; thin enough. The media does a lot to exploit that feeling. I can remember as a teenager that none of my friends felt satisfied with the way they looked! I like your idea of writing about how a thin person thinks because it is a mindset so different than the one that I grew up with. I will work on that for you.


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